What should I do if my child calls me names or says they hate me when they’re upset?

First of all, take a deep breath. This is really tough. You love your child and want to support them when they’re in distress, but you also want to teach them how to be kind and respectful.

The first thing to remember is: don’t take it personally. Yes, it feels personal, but it’s more about their emotions than it is about you. If you’re the one holding a boundary, you’ll often become the target of their frustration, anger, or overwhelm.

It’s common—and totally normal—for kids to lash out when they’re upset, especially if they’re still learning how to identify and express their feelings. When they’re flooded with big emotions, many kids respond by attacking the person they see as the source of their discomfort. That could be through words or even actions. Teaching them how to handle those overwhelming emotions in a healthier way takes time, consistency, and intentional effort from you.

When a child is dysregulated, they can’t take in much of what you’re saying. What they need most is the steady presence of your calmer nervous system to help regulate theirs. If you can remind yourself that your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time, it becomes easier to focus on co-regulation instead of immediately correcting disrespect.

Try adopting the mantra: “Connection before correction.” It’s simple but powerful. It might take practice to remember it in the heat of the moment, but it can help you stay grounded and respond more intentionally.

Helping your child calm down can look different from one moment to the next. Some kids find comfort in hugs, while others want space and prefer not to be touched when they’re upset. What matters most is letting them know you’re there and you love them. Even if they’re yelling “Get out!”, it may actually reflect a deeper fear—that their big emotions are too much and that you might abandon them because of it.

You might say something like, “I can see you’re really upset. I’m not afraid of your big feelings—I love you, and I’m here.” Then you can sit quietly in the room with them, focusing on keeping your nervous system calm.

If you notice that you are starting to feel dysregulated, taking a short break can be the most supportive thing—for both of you. You can say something like, “I’m feeling upset and I need a moment to calm down. I’ll be back in five minutes to check on you.”

If you’re able to stay, gently modeling grounding techniques—like slow breathing, tapping, or another calming strategy that works for you—can help regulate your own nervous system and support your child’s in the process.

Once your child has calmed down, you can follow up. Be curious about their experience:

• “What was that like for you?”

• “It seemed like you were really upset—can you put any words to what you were feeling?”

Validating their emotions is key, while not validating their behavior. You might say something like:
“It’s completely okay to feel upset—I get upset too. But calling me names or threatening me isn’t how we do things in our family. Let’s work together on finding other ways for you to express those big feelings.”

Teen Question: I struggle with procrastination. How can I focus on my work and just do it instead of putting it off?

Therapist Answer: You’re definitely not alone in this! Procrastination is something many people struggle with, and there are a lot of reasons for it. For some, it’s tied to perfectionism — a fear of not doing things “just right.” For others, the pressure of past failures can make starting feel overwhelming. Sometimes, when we’ve fallen behind on assignments, it can feel like no matter how hard we try, we can’t catch up, so we give up altogether. Even though we know procrastinating only increases our stress in the long run, we still do it. Why?

The truth is, procrastination is often about avoiding discomfort. In the short term, it feels like a relief because we’re putting off the stress or anxiety we expect to feel. But that relief is temporary, and over time, procrastination can actually make our stress worse. Unfortunately, if we keep avoiding tasks, it becomes a harder habit to break.

The good news is, there are ways to change this pattern. One of the first steps is to identify the discomfort you feel when you sit down to work on an assignment (or even just think about it). Instead of letting your brain automatically take the path of least resistance, pause and ask yourself what you’re avoiding. Bring compassion to whatever the answer is, and acknowledge those feelings without judgment. Then remind yourself that even though you’re scared of [x], you can still choose to act. The more we face our fears, the less power they have over us.

Another helpful strategy is to build small rewards into your work process. Procrastination may offer a quick, short-term relief, but it usually leaves you feeling worse in the end. When you reward yourself as you make progress, it can help build momentum and reduce stress as you cross things off your list. You can replace a negative cycle with a positive one!

Here’s something to try: create two lists — one for bigger, more difficult tasks, and another for smaller, easier ones. Ask yourself which big task you’re most afraid to start, and tackle that one first. Set a timer for just 10 minutes and commit to working during that time. Eliminate distractions (like putting your phone in another room), and give it a try. If you’re on a roll after 10 minutes, great! Keep going. But if you’re still struggling to focus, try switching things up. Take a short walk, do a couple of minutes of jumping jacks, or journal for a bit. You can also try knocking out one of the smaller tasks to build momentum before returning to the bigger one.

Think about your environment, too. If you find it hard to focus when you’re alone, try working somewhere else, like a library or a coffee shop. The presence of others can help regulate your nervous system and make it easier to concentrate. If you like listening to music but find lyrics distracting, try instrumental music or songs in other languages.

There’s no one-size-fits-all solution, so don’t be afraid to experiment with different strategies. See what works best for you, and remember — it’s all about making small, positive changes over time. You’ve got this!