Parent question: “Sometimes I’m not sure how to help my 14 year old when they are overwhelmed – I feel out of my depth and wonder if I am helpful at all. I also wonder how I would know when I should seek outside support if it feels like a crisis. I don’t know if I am overreacting out of fear or if my child legitimately needs more support than I can offer. Can you give me some help figuring this out so I feel more prepared to offer the right kind of support to my child in the future?”
This is such an important question – what I hear most is how much you care about your child and want them to have the kind of support they need. As parents/caregivers, it is important to remember we are also human – we get scared, we feel inadequate, we don’t have all the answers!
In adolescence emotions are intense and can change quickly. When your tween/teen is emotionally overwhelmed, you might also feel overwhelmed. It is a good idea to have a plan to discern whether your kiddo just needs your listening ear and emotional presence to get through a hard time, or if they need more support to keep them safe. Keep this guide somewhere accessible as a reminder in case you need it – when we are overwhelmed, remembering ANYTHING feels impossible.
PARENTING IN A CRISIS/RECOGNIZING A CRISIS
These are the steps to move through if you find yourself wondering about the best course of action to support your child:
- Assess – imminent threat to safety? If yes, call 911
- Get support if needed – 911 or crisis line
- Be present – be more, do less
- Make a plan – when things are calm, plan for future wellbeing and safety
Here’s a little more about each of these steps:
Assess: Is there an imminent risk to the safety of your child or another person (access to weapon(s) or substances, statement of plan/intent to harm or kill self or others)?
- Don’t be afraid to ask direct questions like “are you thinking about killing yourself?” This lets your child know you care and that you can handle the intensity of what they are experiencing. When we use indirect or passive language, our kids are less likely to be honest because they don’t think we can handle what they are feeling or thinking.
Get Support: If there is an imminent threat to the safety of your child or another person, call 911 or if it is safe/possible, take your child to the closest emergency room.
- When you call 911, let them know your child is experiencing a mental health emergency, and ask that they dispatch an officer with mental health crisis training or that they call the Kitsap Designated Crisis Response team.
- If you need help but there is not an imminent threat to safety, call:
- Volunteers of America crisis support (partnered with Kitsap Crisis Response; staffed with clinicians 24/7). 1-888-910-0416. They will talk with parents or children, and can connect you to the Kitsap Crisis Response team to send someone for an assessment if appropriate.
- Call or text the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 988 for support.
- Chat online with a crisis professional at https://imhurting.org/
Be present with love: Don’t underestimate the power of your grounded presence. Think about how you can stay grounded in an intense situation. Here are a few tips as you support your child:
- Stay calm, breathe together, use grounding touch if it’s ok with your child.
- As you are able, do the things that you know help you when you are overwhelmed – they might also help your child. You could keep a list of these things on your phone to help.
- Ask “what do you need?” and practice active listening (listening to understand not to respond – reflect back to your child in your own words what you are hearing them say, give them the chance to correct you if needed). Don’t be afraid of silence.
- Give your child your undivided attention, make eye contact – eye contact with a trusted loved one can help to regulate our nervous system.
- Try putting hands or face in ice/cold water which can help calm the nervous system.
- Let go of needing to be right so you can focus on being present. Avoid debate or disagreement; just acknowledge their experience, validate their struggle, let them know you love them and will do all you can to support them and get them the help they need.
- Remind your child of their strengths.
- Remind yourself that big emotions are a normal response to upsetting incidents or news, especially in adolescence. Do what you can to build your tolerance of your child’s emotional expression.
Make a plan: Follow up after crisis
- Safety planning – put away weapons, dangerous medications and substances, sharps.
- Work with your child when things are calm to list what is helpful/unhelpful in a crisis.
- Build/reinforce a safety net – Contact your child’s primary care doctor; make a plan for support such as regular check ups with doctor, plan for therapy, potential for medication if appropriate.
Finally, get support for yourself as soon as you are able to. Talk with your partner, a close friend, counselor or other trusted person. The more supported you feel, the better you will be able to show up in a grounded way for your kiddo. If you are interested, sign up for a parent peer support group or individual parent counseling at BYS.
Other Helpful Resources:
BYS Parent Support – https://www.askbys.org/our-work/
Kitsap County guidance on supporting someone considering suicide https://www.kitsap.gov/hs/Pages/Suicide-Prevention-Help-Someone-I-Know.aspx
How to Help Someone in Crisis (National Alliance on Mental Illness)
What is a mental health crisis and what to expect when one occurs (Association for Children’s Mental Health)
https://nowmattersnow.org/skills Skills and Support for Coping with Suicidal Thoughts; program developed by Ursula Whiteside, psychologist and Clinical faculty at UW
Hitch Hikers Guide to Kitsap – Coffee Oasis guide to youth services/agencies in Kitsap County
5 action steps for communicating with someone who may be suicidal – #BeThe1To Campaign