Parent Question: What should I do if my child calls me names or says they hate me when they’re upset? I want to comfort them, but I also need them to understand that kind of behavior isn’t okay.
BYS Therapist John Carleton, LMHC Answer:
First of all, take a deep breath. This is really tough. You love your child and want to support them when they’re in distress, but you also want to teach them how to be kind and respectful.
The first thing to remember is: don’t take it personally. Yes, it feels personal, but it’s more about their emotions than it is about you. If you’re the one holding a boundary, you’ll often become the target of their frustration, anger, or overwhelm.
It’s common—and totally normal—for kids to lash out when they’re upset, especially if they’re still learning how to identify and express their feelings. When they’re flooded with big emotions, many kids respond by attacking the person they see as the source of their discomfort. That could be through words or even actions. Teaching them how to handle those overwhelming emotions in a healthier way takes time, consistency, and intentional effort from you.
When a child is dysregulated, they can’t take in much of what you’re saying. What they need most is the steady presence of your calmer nervous system to help regulate theirs. If you can remind yourself that your child is having a hard time, not giving you a hard time, it becomes easier to focus on co-regulation instead of immediately correcting disrespect.
Try adopting the mantra: “Connection before correction.” It’s simple but powerful. It might take practice to remember it in the heat of the moment, but it can help you stay grounded and respond more intentionally.
Helping your child calm down can look different from one moment to the next. Some kids find comfort in hugs, while others want space and prefer not to be touched when they’re upset. What matters most is letting them know you’re there and you love them. Even if they’re yelling “Get out!”, it may actually reflect a deeper fear—that their big emotions are too much and that you might abandon them because of it.
You might say something like, “I can see you’re really upset. I’m not afraid of your big feelings—I love you, and I’m here.” Then you can sit quietly in the room with them, focusing on keeping your nervous system calm.
If you notice that you are starting to feel dysregulated, taking a short break can be the most supportive thing—for both of you. You can say something like, “I’m feeling upset and I need a moment to calm down. I’ll be back in five minutes to check on you.”
If you’re able to stay, gently modeling grounding techniques—like slow breathing, tapping, or another calming strategy that works for you—can help regulate your own nervous system and support your child’s in the process.
Once your child has calmed down, you can follow up. Be curious about their experience:
- “What was that like for you?”
- “It seemed like you were really upset—can you put any words to what you were feeling?”
Validating their emotions is key, while not validating their behavior. You might say something like:
“It’s completely okay to feel upset—I get upset too. But calling me names or threatening me isn’t how we do things in our family. Let’s work together on finding other ways for you to express those big feelings.”