Community Question: I’m really struggling to connect with my kid. They love to stay in their room all the time, and the only times I really get them involved are during gaming or family movie nights. Even then, they don’t open up much about what they’re feeling or what’s going on in their life. I worry that I’m missing important things.
How can I encourage my kid to open up and share more, especially about hard or personal stuff, without making them feel pressured or like I’m lecturing?
Many parents worry when their youth spends more time behind a closed bedroom door than with the family. Even during game nights or movies, it can feel like your youth is there physically but not really opening up. That distance can feel discouraging, but it’s also worth remembering: this stage is developmentally normal.
Around early adolescence, youth begin shifting their focus away from parents and toward their peers and their own inner world. It’s part of the natural process of figuring out who they are and where they belong. While most parents can understand this on a rational level, it doesn’t erase the sting of feeling a bit left out or the fear that something important might be missed.
The good news is that opportunities for connection are already built into your routine. Family movie nights, in particular, are much more than entertainment. They’re a shared ritual. One of those small but reliable moments where kids can feel close without the pressure of being “put on the spot.” Stories offer a unique opening because they let us step outside of ourselves for a little while. Instead of asking your youth directly about their struggles, you can start by exploring what a character is going through, what choices they made, and how those choices affected them.
The key is to come at it with curiosity. Ask questions you’re genuinely interested in: “Why do you think they made that choice?” or “What would you have done differently?” Listen more than you respond. And as tempting as it can be, avoid treating the conversation like a quiz or a lesson. Youth are quick to pick up on when they’re being steered toward the “right” answer, and that can shut things down fast.
Another piece that often goes overlooked is how vulnerable it feels to share something you care about. If your youth invites you into their world by suggesting a movie or show, try to approach it with an open mind, even if it’s not something you’d normally choose. Dismissing or poking fun at their taste can leave them hesitant to share again. You don’t have to love everything they love, but showing respect for their interests communicates respect for them.
Over time, these shared experiences build trust. They show your youth that you’re willing to meet them where they are, without pressure or judgment. Connection during adolescence doesn’t always look like deep heart-to-hearts at the kitchen table. Sometimes it looks like sitting together in the glow of a screen, following a story, and letting the conversation emerge naturally.
If you’re a youth or parent with a question, visit our website at askbys.org and click on “Ask a Therapist.”
Author: Chase Myers LMHCA, BYS Therapist